


Being Sirius

by Amata42



Series: Past Tense [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Marauders' Era, Self-Harm, mostly canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-25 00:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9794567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amata42/pseuds/Amata42
Summary: Problems with the Black family cause Sirius issues, and then Sirius discovers Remus' secret!Spans Years 1, 2 and 3 at Hogwarts. MWPP- era preslash.





	1. The Blood Traitor

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own or make any profit off anything Harry Potter-related. If I did, I would be able to afford groceries.

"It probably wasn't his family. They've just been giving him the silent treatment-"

"The sniveling prats!"

"James, please! -besides, it's not like Narcissa would ever be so _physical_ -"

"The snobbish floozy!"

"James, please! -and, in any case, his cousin Andromeda is in Ravenclaw, so why would the other Blacks-"

"The slimy gits!"

Sirius could hear what they were saying, but it was oddly distant, muffled. He tried to open his eyes, but found they were swollen shut.  
_Merlin_ \- his whole body ached.

"James, please! -the other Blacks wouldn't be bothered to lift a finger about him, let alone draw attention to him"

"-by beating him to a bloody pulp, the spineless cowards!"

"James, please!"

"I bet it was Malfoy. The dirty snake."

Sirius would have smiled if his face wasn't completely wrapped up. James was right, they had been Slytherins, older ones, which meant that Malfoy probably did have something to do with it. Not, of course, that there would be any way to prove a connection. The Malfoy heir, Sirius knew, was simply out of their league. Not only a fifth year, but also a prefect. Poised, commanding, rich and adored… and also very much protected by his family- _and the Black family, for that matter,_ Sirius thought darkly.

_"Well," the Hat had said humorously, "If you are really that bent on defying your family and getting out of the Black shadow… might as well make a proper go of it, right? And you can't find more support than in -GRYFFINDOR!"_

Three months into the term, they had cornered him behind Greenhouse 3, and delivered a very clear message about how his relatives regarded his Sorting.

 _Blood-traitor_ the heavy-set ape had spat, _we're going to …realign… your loyalties._

 _Fat chance of that, you git._ Sirius had scoffed, and continued to taunt the Slytherin thugs hoping-correctly-that they would angrily render him unconscious quicker rather than otherwise. He woke up bandaged, in the Hospital Wing, listening to the voice of his new Gryffindor comrades discussing the culprits of his beating. With a weak groan, Sirius felt his head spinning thickly again, and he slipped back into darkness.

 

* * *

 

 

"I'm feeling much better now, Madam Pomfrey." Sirius gave her a signature melt-your-heart smile. She clucked warmly at him and put an extra blanket on the bed before bustling away again. The doorway burst open as Andromeda Black flew into the Hospital Wing. Her face was thick with concern, but her voice was exasperated.

"Good gods, Sirius! Why didn't you _think_? You could have been in Ravenclaw with me!" She launched into a rant without preamble.

"Huh?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Why didn't you simply _tell_ the Hat to place you there? That's what _I_ did; I had spent my whole summer carefully considering the situation."

"I didn't know I could do that."

" _Clearly_ you didn't know you could _think things through ahead of time_!" Andromeda threw her hands up in the air.

"No," Sirius said quickly to his older cousin, "I didn't know I could tell the Hat what to do."

"Ravenclaw is the only logical place for people like you and me," Andromeda continued, pacing the room fretfully, her hands now clasped behind her back, "It's really the best solution - if not Slytherin. Hufflepuff would be considered beneath us; you'd get no respect. And Gryffindor!" She waved her hand at Sirius, "This is the result of a Black in Gryffindor! Obviously, Ravenclaw is the only suitable alternative to Slytherin! Perhaps we can get them to re-Sort you…" Andromeda's chin ducked down as she dropped her head deep in thought.

Sirius blinked at his cousin.

"For Merlin's sake, Andromeda! _You_ really _do_ belong in Ravenclaw - just listen to the way you talk." He burst out. "But I am not going to re-Sorted." Sirius scoffed at the thought. "I'm a Gryffindor through and through."

Andromeda stopped pacing and gazed levelly at him. Most of his bandages had been removed by now, and the worst of the swelling had gone down the first night. After his Gryffindor pals had snuck in yesterday to be near him, Madam Pomfrey had absolutely refused to allow any other visitors until today. Andromeda had just come straight from lunch.

Poor kid, she thought, softening with the memories of the one member of her extended family she could reasonably tolerate. Sirius was studying his hands.

"…'Meda…" he began softly, "I… well… I sorta knew this was coming."

Andromeda gave him an understanding look, and sat carefully on the edge of the bed. _Sirius would never admit this to his little friends_ , she thought sadly about how terribly vulnerable he would always be to his family's actions.

"I figured that Mother and Father wouldn't say anything, but that some Slytherins would eventually… teach me a lesson or two. Frankly, I was actually getting rather tired of waiting for it. I'm glad it's been done, so now we can all just get on with life." Sirius' voice was so quiet Andromeda wondered briefly if he had even been talking.

She sighed, and took his hand.

"Hang in there, cousin." She said, " Malfoy will graduate in a couple years… And you've still got seven years ahead of you. Try to keep them uneventful - the last thing you need is your parents involved too."


	2. Formality and Familiarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Traumatized children want to make friends, too...

Remus set his quill down and surveyed the parchment before him. He had finished his charms essay much faster than he had expected. He wasn't sure if he should allow himself a quick break with the extra time, or if he should keep working and just try to get to bed sooner. Sirius had been beat up the day of the full moon, and luckily James believed that Remus had somehow snuck back into the Hospital Wing to spend the night with their unconscious comrade. _Next time, he had said with a sly grin, wake me up and take me too!_

 _Yeah right,_ Remus thought bitterly, his whole body even now still achingly tired from his change. With Sirius still in the Hospital Wing, Remus hadn't allowed the school nurse to keep him there to recuperate properly. It had been his third transformation since starting school; he was too frightened of one of his newest friends finding out. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice the other student approach until he heard the detached voice-

"Remus Lupin… May I join you?"

Only one person spoke like that to him - that low, cool voice, that befuddling mixture of formality and familiarity. Severus Snape.

Remus blinked up into the dark eyes and the pale face. Since being Sorted into different Houses, they had not been able to really see each other again. They had a couple classes together, but both boys were so quietly studious that the idea of chatting socially during the school day was almost absurd.

"Severus Snape." Remus breathed, uncertain of what to say. Instead he used his foot to push the chair next to his out with his foot. If any Gryffindors asked, he could always say that he was studying in the library with the Slytherin for the upcoming Potions exam. That was one of the classes they had together, and Remus had already noticed the certain alacrity- almost passion- Severus had for potions. Then Remus realized that they had both been sitting in silence, each contemplating his own thoughts.

"Is there… anything I can do for you Severus?" Remus said, trying to sound social and not as tired as he really was. And deliberately trying not to think about his new friend who had been recently beat to a bloody pulp by some of Severus' housemates. For another minute or so, Severus didn't speak. Remus waited patiently, only half of his mind returning to his waiting homework.

"You don't look quite well. I was wondering if there was anything _I_ could do for _you_." He finally spoke.

"One of my friends was waylaid by some upperclassmen recently, and so I…" Remus cut himself off short, aghast that he had nearly said _and so I have not been in the Hospital Wing this month._ He was also embarrassed that he had so readily spoken about Sirius. The dark eyes flickered at him thoughtfully.

"I see." His voice said simply. Another moment of silence passed; Remus was surprised to find that even though the silence ought to have increased his tension, the opposite was true.

"Remus, although it is admirable to care so much for your friends… to allow them to have so much power over you…is not healthy or safe. I would think someone like you would have realized that."

Remus was momentarily wracked with panic- _someone like me? Merlin, does he know_? But his panic was melted by the surfacing of what Severus had said: _he means that he's concerned about my well-being!_ Remus felt a nervous sort of warmth at the thought that Severus was worried about him as a _friend_.

Beside him, Severus sighed a bit and said, "Well, shall we attend to our Potions revisions then, so as to not have to lie about our activities?"

"Will the Slytherins ask you too, then?" Remus replied with a soft grin.

"Perhaps more so than I imagine the Gryffindors." He replied, a vague shadow passing across his face. Remus pushed it from his mind as he pulled his potions textbook towards them and opened to chapter three.


	3. One Year Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't we all just get along?

"Oy! Remus! What are you doing?" James asked from his seat near the window. Remus was leaning his head out into the corridor of the train. Sirius and Peter were sprawled across the seats, flicking wads of paper at each other. Their first year had been an unequivocal success. Sirius had only been badly beaten up three other times; Peter had managed to pass his Potions exam; James hadn't been expelled for anything-yet, as he always added with a wide grin. Remus had quietly gotten highest marks of all the first years- and that, with monthly…distraction.

"Nothing, James, just looking for-" Remus bit his tongue, too late.

"Looking for that slimy Slytherin friend of yours, then?" Sirius said darkly. Remus flushed a bit and ducked his head. "What was his name again?" Sirius continued mockingly.

"Wasn't it… _Snivellus_?" James perked up, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Yeah. That's it. _Snivellus_ Snape. The greasy, string bean, Malfoy-wanna-be." Sirius laughed. Remus carefully studied his shoes. He was far too loyal to Sirius now to admire Lucius Malfoy, the Slytherin prefect, but he knew Severus did - and for many of the same reasons that Remus might, if he could. The biggest different was that Malfoy always had a way of using his considerable skills to somebody else's detriment. Remus could never do that; he had already spent too many years of his life holding back the most powerful part of himself in order to keep others safe to be able to enjoy power gained through somebody's loss.

 _Can we all just find a way for everyone to win?_ But with people like James, Sirius, and Severus in the world, Remus knew it would never happen. Sirius loathed Severus for being Slytherin and for being all the things Sirius was not: adroit, methodical, and impassive. James loathed Severus for … for some reason that escaped Remus, but that he suspected was something like the way certain chemicals just happened to be volatile when in proximity.

"Maybe we could find him for you?" Sirius offered sarcastically.

"Maybe we could hex him for you?" James offered helpfully. Remus didn't answer; he noticed a new scuff on the side of his boot.

"Can you believe that prat?" Sirius asked loudly, Peter watching him avidly, "Remember when he challenged me to that midnight duel? As if he could have beat me!"

"Too bad he chickened out and never showed up. I would have enjoyed being your second - just so that I could have had second dibs on his big, ugly nose." James laughed.

Remus flushed and counted the eyes for his shoelaces. Ten on each side, on each shoe; forty total. _  
_

_"Remus-quickly!" The pale hand grasped his wrist, pulling him into a shadow; the panting voice trying to stay undetected: "Filch-coming... I- we... Run or you'll - breaking curfew... Go back - dorm-and-don't...  don't get caught…and next time, don't follow him into trouble!" Then the quick look that agreed they would not tell that they had seen each other or spoken. And the frustration because Remus knew Severus would have won a duel against Sirius, and that Remus wouldn't have wanted Sirius to lose either, and that now Severus would lose worse that a duel - he would be mocked as a coward for never showing up when he really saved them all from detentions._

Forty holes for two shoelaces on his ratty, scuffed boots.

"Well, at least we don't have to see Snivellus, or any other Slytherin all summer lon-oh." James had laughingly proclaimed, abruptly cut off by the look on Sirius' face. He had actually gone pale and his body was frozen still. Remus watched him carefully in the awkward silence that followed.

His impossibly grey eyes shadowed, and the usual light in them withdrew. He looked as if he were sitting some horribly dull lecture, like History of Magic; his face devoid of any life, his body assuming the posture of a well-trained puppet. Sirius looked, Remus realized with a shudder, just the way he felt when he transformed: torn apart deep down, at the core; but helpless and overwhelmed by something both monstrous and also routine. Some horror that was so often known that his body had a well rehearsed role in the unwanted activities - best to let it go on automatically without resistance than to go down fighting and make it worse. Remus was trembling. It occurred to him that he ought to pay a little more attention to the dynamics of Sirius' family. And then James' voice broke the spell.

"Aw hells, Sirius… I didn't mean that- I wasn't thinking…"

But as the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station, Remus' keen werewolf sense of smell was nearly overwhelmed by the sudden, unmistakable scent of apprehension. Sirius, although his carefree grin was plastered to his face, and although he hugged them all heartily wishing 'happy holidays' - despite these outward tricks, Sirius Black was utterly petrified.

Remus watched Sirius disappear following a uniformed Squib carrying his trunk. As soon as he was out of sight, Remus grabbed James' arm. "James-" he said quietly, with just enough seriousness in his voice to alert James but not enough to attract Peter's …indelicate… attention. "Promise me that you'll keep in touch with Sirius this summer. I would but… my Mum is sick again, and I live too far away to do anything but owl… And we don't own an owl…"

James raised a questioning eyebrow.

"I'm worried about Sirius being stuck with so many Slytherins." Remus offered as an explanation. It worked; James nodded and grinned a bit, "Of course Remus." He replied, "I'll see if Mum and Dad will let him visit. Speaking of…" James waved over Remus' shoulder, and smiled as he left, shouting "Have a good summer!" back at Remus.

"See you next year!"


	4. Take Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, we all know what the future has in store for these guys... but, seriously, it's not like Sirius Black could possibly have had a good childhood. And Remus Lupin has been betrayed by his own body on a monthly basis since he was five years old. Basically, this is not going to be a happy journey. And it doesn't have a happy ending. Don't blame me, it was JKR that set them up like this.

The change was immediately obvious to Remus, but he could tell that Sirius was doing a very good job hiding it from everyone else. Remus had always had trouble acting his own age; they were just 12-year-olds but Remus had the wolf to deal with, and the wolf had never exactly had a playful-puppy stage. When they returned to their dorms after the Feast, Remus knew that Sirius had likewise gained a few extra years over the summer months.

James probably knew something; every now and then Remus would catch an unspoken understanding pass between the two. He wished he knew more details, but wouldn't press either friend for disclosure. Remus made up for his secret knowledge by letting Sirius share his homework. As the term wore on, coursework and regular routine proved enough of a distraction that the difference was less pronounced - when Remus could keep Sirius occupied with revisions and essays the _scent_ was reduced.

Sirius had returned to his second year at Hogwarts with a dramatically different scent. Oh, it was still _Sirius_ underneath, but the scent was now drenched by the chemicals of new emotions. James knew why, but he couldn't smell the difference; Remus could smell it- thanks to the insufferable wolf- but had no idea what caused the change. Peter was clueless, excited to be back with his friends, desperate (again) for extra tutoring in Potions, and simply in awe of Sirius and James. It would have annoyed Remus, actually, except that the unbridled attention seemed to help Sirius as well.

That's why Remus, who could put two and two together perfectly well, quietly assumed it was the Black family. Probably snubbed Sirius all summer long. Remus had no idea what it would feel like to be utterly surrounded by antipathy and enmity from your own family for no good reason. Because of the wolf, the situation was uncomfortably familiar, but there was a _reason_ for people to dislike and shun Remus. The same was not true for Sirius.

During the ride back to school, Sirius had smelled of two things: quiet desperation and unbridled elation. Both were centered around leaving his home. As they reached Hogwarts the desperation had relented, drawing back to allow the more subtle scents of defeat, isolation, and despair to carry about his shoulders like some invisible set of extra robes Sirius wore daily.


	5. The Whomping Willow

"My parents were a bit older than us when Grindelwald was defeated. They had grown up as the War began." Sirius said unexpectedly one night as he and James were sitting in their favorite chairs by the ever-present fire in the Common Room. Remus had gone to the library to study - _probably sneaking off to study with the slimy git-_ and Peter was in detention for blowing up his cauldron in Potions, again. James wasn't sure where his best mate was going with the thought, but had gotten used to the year being full of odd comments or moments like this, especially when they were alone.

He had been secretly very worried when Sirius had arrived to spend a couple weeks visiting during the summer, and his eyes had been utterly dead. He had been starved for attention, desperate for interaction. They hadn't said anything about it directly, but James had learned very quickly how to listen to Sirius' off-hand comments for their secondary meaning. It was a skill that, now finely tuned, helped the pair of them immensely in their late-night exploits at Hogwarts. Perhaps James felt he and Sirius seemed to put their toes further over the line than he would have really cared for- but something was driving Sirius now; if the only time the fake grins were ever actually genuine smiles was when they pulled a prank - _well,_ James thought, _for Sirius' sake, bring on the mischief!_

"I think my parents are younger." James replied, returning to the comment Sirius had made. "They were probably just about our age when the War ended. I think that's actually why Mum doesn't like to spend a lot of our money. I mean, we've got loads of it, but she's always saying things like _you never know what's going to happen tomorrow_ or _if everyone does their part, we can make do nicely without being wasteful_."

James' falsetto mimic of his mother was pretty decent. "I guess living during the War, they just never knew what would happen next. And the Muggles were involved too- so there wasn't anywhere safe at all. But, now that stupid War's been over _forever_ and sometimes I think they forget. Sometimes I hear Mum and Dad say things as if they think it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself."

Sirius, gazing intently at the fire, nodded. He had wanted to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas break, but his parents had forbidden it. They had also forbidden him to spend Christmas with James; there were, after all, appearances to keep up - even if their eldest son had been sorted into a despised House, and was now consorting with all sorts of disgraceful people.

"My parents too." He said softly; James heard the unspoken sentence: _but my parents were on the loosing side, so they're determined to see history repeat itself so that they can change the outcome._

"They were old enough to have been involved directly in parts of the War." _They were impulsive young adults who made their Dark families proud._

"I guess even though it ended, they still think there's something to fight about…" _Bent on revenge for their humiliation._

"... like they don't know what to do with themselves if there is peace." _Mother screeches at House elves because she can't scream Unforgivable curses at Muggles, Mudbloods, or Blood-traitors… like me._

"I was their heir." _I was to inherit the legacy, to take up the fight; instead I just want to have a good time._

"They had such high hopes." _They've redoubled their efforts with Regulus, and so even my little brother hates me now. And he'll be in Slytherin next year, there is no doubt._

James nodded silently. The fire crackled. Sirius looked exhausted, his eyes empty again like they had been during the summer. James was alarmed, but once again he didn't know what to do or to say. "Hey…" he leaned in closely, "let's get our brooms and go for a midnight ride."

James watched with satisfaction at the result. A little rule-breaking mixed with flying - two things Sirius loved. Every prank Sirius pulled was a rude gesture at the suffocating lethe of the Black family; every time he took to the air was a breath of freedom from their imposing demands. Sirius' eyes were shining brightly as they raced their brooms across the surface of the lake. James knew that their darkness would return as soon as his feet touched down again.

For the night of the full moon - April 28th - it was surprisingly dark. James guessed that they had maybe another half hour to an hour before moonrise; they ought to head back to the dorm well before the added moonlight made sneaking around harder than it already was. They dodged around the slowly reaching tentacles of the giant squid, carefully keeping their voices quiet. Both boys were dead set on making the House Quidditch team next year when some spots opened up. Beside him, Sirius suddenly veered sharply across his path, forcing them to both turn away from the school and closer to the shadows at the forest edge.

"Sirius? What are you--"

"Shut it." Sirius gritted through his teeth. James cast a confused look toward Sirius, and saw two shadowy figures walking across the lawn from the main entrance. "Good save." James whispered, nudging his broom closer to the trees, deftly flying between branches without a sound. "Who do you suppose?"

Sirius' sharp eyes tracked the cloaked figures as they moved away. One was definitely older- and moved suspiciously like Madam Pomfrey. The other was younger, clearly a student, and vaguely familiar… perhaps someone from a class, or even a Gryffindor. Sirius gauged their pace and direction.

"They're heading toward the Whomping Willow." He stated matter-of-factly. Without thinking, Sirius had adjusted his course so that he would fly carefully undetected to the same location. "That's Pomfrey -do you think that bloke is sick?" James shrugged, but the twinkle was back in Sirius' eyes; he couldn't help but catch his friend's eager sense of adventure and curiosity. The pair, well ahead of the brooms, reached the Willow first. Pomfrey raised her wand and muttered a spell that neither boy was close enough to catch.

"Brilliant!" James breathed as the entire Willow froze, "I have got to learn what spell she used."

Sirius was silent, staring closely at the second figure. Something about him was so… Sirius felt as though there was something obvious that he wasn't getting. When Pomfrey led the student through an entrance at the base of the Willow that he'd never noticed before, Sirius was instantly urging his broom forward in pursuit. He did it on some driven instinct, without sparing a thought.

"Sirius- ARE YOU MAD?" James hissed, darting forward and grabbing wildly at his friend. "First, we don't know where that goes. Second, we're bound to get caught by Pomfrey if we try to follow. Third, we have no way to get back out if we don't know the spell to freeze the…" But he never finished the thought because both boys had dodged their brooms apart with wide-eyed fear as a whip-like cord of willow branch sliced through the air between them.

"Bollocks!" James gasped as he realized that the spell had worn off and the tree was angrily writhing again. He had successfully dodged backwards and was out of the Willow's range now, but Sirius had dodged blindly closer to the tree. James watched, adrenaline paralyzing his whole body, knuckles white with fear as Sirius became a dark blur of boy-and-broomstick furiously dipping and twisting through the air. Indignant willow branches flared about, snaking and lashing- trying to pound into the invader.

Sirius, though extremely pale, had a look of fierce determination, and for once his eyes were intense and full of life. After what seemed like a lifetime, Sirius deftly flew beyond the reach of the tree's branches. He was shaking badly as he tumbled from his broom to the ground. James landed beside him.

"Are you okay, then?" he asked nervously.

Sirius, panting for a breath, opened his mirth-filled eyes and grinned at James. "That was …wicked…cool." He gasped, and unclenched his left hand. James looked confused for a moment, then broke into an ecstatic grin. Sirius' fingers and hand were roughly scratched; one of his fingernails was even torn off. Something dark and stiff lay cupped in his palm.

Bark. _Sirius had gotten a piece of bark from the trunk of the Whomping Willow._

"Let's get out of here before someone finds us." Sirius said finally. He groaned as he picked up his broom. "I need a shower, and a new heart, and a lot of sleep…. And I'm never going to get that close to that tree ever again." He said with a smirk.

"Bloody brilliant." James said admiringly.


	6. Endings

"Where were you last night?"

Remus, expecting the question, replied quickly: "I was studying in the library" (which was true)  
"but started feeling really sick" (which was also kind of true)  
"and ended up spending the night with Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing" (which was entirely a lie, but one out of three wasn't too horrible).

"Remus Lupin!" James exclaimed, surprised enough to forget momentarily why they had brought up last night in the first place. "You're lying!" James was genuinely shocked by the mere concept that Remus was capable of a lie. Sirius was suddenly staring at him, his grey eyes alive with questions and calculating thoughts. Remus felt his throat go dry and his face turn milk white.

"What?" he spluttered at a loss for words. Blind panic was climbing up behind his eyes; he was sure they would see it.

"Sirius and I saw Pomfrey with a student at the Whomping Willow last night." James explained incredulous. Remus, if it was possible, grew even more pale.

"At the Willow?" He repeated dumbly. "She…she must have left after giving me medicine." He fumbled, frantic, "I was there just around 7 o'clock. She gave me a sleeping draught and then I was out cold for the night." Remus could tell that his tone of voice was strained, and he was rushing his words like a prattling idiot.

"Oh, then," Sirius cut in, "it was later - James and I saw her more around 8 o'clock; just before the moon rose." His voice was carefully measured and even nonchalant, but his eyes were still keenly piercing Remus straight through. Then Sirius blinked, waved his hand dismissively and deliberately turned his gaze to James. Take the cue, James lowered his voice-

"Yes, it was after sunset, and there Sirius was, nothing but a broom and his wits against… The Whomping Willow!"

Peter let out an undignified squeak. Remus gasped.

James continued dramatically while Sirius looked smug. "He flew like nothing else - like the best Seeker on the best Quidditch team _ever_! You should have seen him twist and dive. A feint left, a double-quick roll to the right; Sirius was a streak of starlight that the Willow just couldn't touch! It was bloody brilliant."

Peter was wide-eyed and devouring every word James said. Remus looked as if he were going to be ill.

"And then he was out!" James exclaimed, "Back on the ground…carrying his trophy…"

James and Peter leaned in eagerly as -on cue- Sirius held up his fist. Remus stared in horror despite himself as Sirius' fingers uncurled. Peter gasped in awe.

A piece of bark.

Sirius - _the blazing idiot_ \- had touched the trunk of the Willow.

"Are you insane?" Remus hissed vehemently.

"That's what I said," James chuckled, but tension had already sprung up between the grey-eyed champion and the amber-eyed scholar.

"You could have been killed!" _And it would have been my fault._

"But I wasn't." was the calm reply. The sharp eyes were piercing his skin again, but Remus continued anyway.

"Don't. You. _Ever_. Go. Near. That Tree. Again." He whispered through clenched teeth, his voice sounding more desperate than commanding. "It's _dangerous_."

Sirius said nothing for a measured moment. Then shrugged. "I wasn't planning on going near it again, Remus." The pale boy relaxed only slightly.

"But," Sirius continued intently, "danger is part of life, and I'm not gonna hide or run away from it. I laugh at danger!" And the boy tipped his head back a bit and forced out a laugh full of false bravado. 

Remus all but jumped up from the chair, turned sharply, and fled.

 

* * *

 

They didn't speak the rest of the term. Remus would sometimes find Sirius staring at him thoughtfully, and it was unbearable. So Remus spent even more time in the library with Severus, who knew something had happened but mercifully would not broach the subject. His time with the Slytherin boy simply made Sirius' thoughtful stares turn into angry glares. Sirius and James, and now glory-hungry Peter too, found more and more outrageous exploits, loudly announcing them and thoroughly reveling in their schemes as if increasingly daring mischief would entice Remus to redirect his attention back to Sirius and his Gryffindor friends.

The problem was that it almost worked; Remus fought desperately against his longing to be included in their wild friendship again, but then he would catch Sirius thoughtfully turning the piece of bark over in his hands, and the wall of silence would slam back up between them. Somehow, Remus imagined that Sirius was just as unhappy and terrified as he was, as they departed for the summer holidays.


	7. Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was not the first time that Headmaster Dumbledore allowed Hogwarts students to return to abusive or neglectful environments. It won't be the last.

"Why wasn't Sirius on the train or at the feast?" Peter asked James once they got back to the Tower.

Remus was settling his things back in place as he stubbornly tried to think only about the new fall term. He had ridden with Severus on the train ride back to Hogwarts, unable to make up his mind about how to push Sirius away from the Willow without pushing Sirius away. But now he could tell that something was wrong - very wrong - the scent was so heavy in the air, he could almost taste it. Remus hadn't known that Sirius wasn't on the train, and had avoided his yearmates at the feast; he wondered the same thing as Peter. James hadn't answered however, and the silence was thick with fear and grief and tension. James grimly pulled a worn piece of parchment from his pocket. It was carefully folded, but had the distinct look of something well-read. Unable to resist, Remus shuffled over to the other boys.

"This is the only news I heard from him all summer." James whispered. He carefully unfolded the parchment, catching a small vial that had been tucked in the folds in his hand.

 _Malfoy said it was a "stupidly Gryffindor" sort of thing to do._  
_incendio'd my broom, then tossed the bark._  
 _keep this for me, please_  
 _\- S_

Inside the vial was the charred and splintered remains of the willow bark.

"He's in the Hospital Wing." James said softly, "McGonagall told me when I first got here." Then James pulled something silvery and shimmering from his trunk - a cloak- and gave a fragile grin. "We'll use my latest acquisition to get there." And with a twirl of fabric he disappeared.

An Invisibility Cloak.

Remus looked at the little glass vial that was now laying across his palm. If McGonagall knew about Sirius, then the Headmaster knew about Sirius. And if the _Headmaster_ knew things about Sirius, then there really was nothing that anyone could do. Remus didn't think there were any laws that would stop the Malfoys or the Blacks from being utter pisspots; and, if there were, then the Headmaster must have already tried -  _and failed_ \- to make anything change. James came from an old wizarding family, but there wouldn't be anything for the Potters to do that Dumbledore or McGonagall hadn't already done. And that left an almost-Squib nobody and a  _werewolf_. Remus felt nauseous with despair. The only thing left to do was endure, and Remus knew all about enduring against the odds. He gripped the vial and nodded at James. 

"Let's go."

 

* * *

 

 

He was unconscious, heavily medicated from the look of all the different bottles and potions beside the bed, and barely recognizable from all the swelling and discolored patches of skin.

"Slytherins?" Peter asked nervously. James screwed up his face in a hateful grimace. 

"I don't think so." He said, gingerly touching Sirius' arm. "I think…maybe…it was his family."

Remus sucked in a quiet breath. Peter's eyes grew wide and he gave an involuntary shudder, suddenly nodding his head as if he were waving a wand for _Leviosa_. James remained still, his hand lingering protectively on Sirius' arm. Most of the skin showed dark bruises already fading, angry red marks circled his neck as if someone had roughly grabbed him by the neck and shook him soundly. A few places were bandaged up. Remus could tell that the majority of the marks would easily be hidden by a simple long-sleeved school shirt. Add the robes, and you'd never know, except for the very clear hand print across his cheek. But slap marks like that fade quickly…

"This was… really recent." Remus exhaled, as the realization sunk in. "They did it on purpose, knew what they were doing, sending him back to school looking like this…" his voice trailed off helplessly.

Finally James' whispered voice echoed in the hollow feeling in Remus' stomach: "we can't let on that we know. We'll just have to… be there for him."

They nodded in their newly sworn silence.


	8. The Challenge

He moved about the halls of Hogwarts like a ghost that term. Even after the worst of the bruises had faded away, it was as if something in Sirius had been broken open, and couldn't quite fit back together again. As winter fell, he became steadily more withdrawn. By Halloween, everyone had noticed it, but no one said a word. His eyes were cold and empty, like dirty snow on the streets of Hogsmeade.

It was hard to remember that the last thing Sirius had said to Remus -just last spring - had been full of bravado: _danger is part of life, and I'm not gonna hide or run away from it. I laugh at danger!_

Without his broom, Sirius refused to fly, even to borrow James' broom. He sat listlessly at Quidditch games watching the grass, even when James, the newest chaser, scored for Gryffindor. Sirius ate; Sirius studied; Sirius' grades suffered for no apparent reason; Sirius could not sleep at night.

The Slytherins taunted him without mercy, adding insult to injury. Whenever they bullied him, Sirius merely added an extra trip to Madam Pomfrey to his daily routine: breakfast, class, hex in the hall, Hospital Wing for a counter spell, next class… Remus and James shared worried glances and wondered  _how long will this go on?_

Peter stopped dogging after Sirius and became permanently attached to James instead.

He returned straight to the Hospital Wing from the Christmas Break. His parents had again insisted that he return to their house instead of spending the break with James. Andromeda Black, now a 7th year, was becoming something of a familiar face. She passed by in the halls more often than her schedule should have permitted. She seemed to lend her presence to the silent mound of support and worry being built up at Sirius' feet. Once when she actually ran into Remus in the halls, she had confessed her own feelings of guilt: over Christmas, the Black family had discovered- despite her best efforts to keep it secret- that her friendship with Ted Tonks, a fellow Ravenclaw, was much more than just friendship.

"And," Andromeda choked miserably, her face pale, "Ted is Muggle-born."

"I've been disowned. I know it made things worse for Sirius. He and I were always closer than the rest. They expect him to go the same way I have." She shuddered a bit, and grabbed Remus' arm, her voice low and urgent- as if he were also a seventh year instead of just a third year.

"And... there's something going on. Dark things - I know it- the whole family is making plans. My father has been talking with Malfoy and Lucius; Bella keeps coming and going like she's running errands. They're all just so… intense." Her eyes focused sharply on Remus then. "Remus, please, be very careful who you spend time with. Don't let yourself, or Sirius, or James get hurt any more because of our family. Ted and I are…going to get away, maybe even leave the country for University… But you - you're all just kids!" Then she fled down the hall, late for charms. Remus stood shocked as her words pulled at him like a tide.

And, as if Andromeda's warning had been a prophecy, the next week Sirius was cornered in the hall by a particularly rowdy group of Slytherins. James and Remus entered the hallway from lunch and immediately sized up the situation. With Peter still in the Hall eating, there were only three of them - two if you allowed for the fact that Sirius was nearly catatonic when it came to fighting back these days - versus nearly a dozen Slytherins, all fifth and sixth years. Not a teacher in sight.

And then Narcissa Black imperiously strode into the hallway, flanked by her best friends, and Regulus Black trailing in her wake. The Slytherins parted allowing her to slither up to Sirius, his back pressed against a wall. His first-year brother staring on haughty disdain written across his face. James and Sirius stood frozen, desperate for something -anything- to interrupt the little drama unfolding before them.

"Blood traitor." Narcissa sniffed, her voice aloof and her posture regal. "You're sickening and pathetic, you know." Sirius just stared blankly at the space over her right shoulder.

"Don't you hear me?" Narcissa shrilled, "You're not worthy of the name Black. You're less than dirt… less than a _Mudblood_." Sirius' head turned slightly, his eyes flicking over James and Remus. They sucked in a sharp breath - his eyes were _laughing_ \- had Sirius finally lost it completely?

"No. Narcissa." His voice was low and rough from disuse.

"What?" she practically screeched. The Slytherins' leers froze on their faces at the unexpected reply. Sirius' body seemed to come alive, even though he hadn't moved an inch. Regulus' eyes widened, and he began to inch away from his older brother. James sprung into action then, clenching his fists and red in the face.  
  
"He said  _No_ ," James scoffed, "Are your ears spell-damaged or something?" 

The Slytherins behind Narcissa shifted eagerly, ready for the first hex to fly. Narcissa's face flushed an ugly red and she sneered at her cousin, "You're nothing! You have no family and no friends. You are a pathetic weakling!"

"I'm better than that." Sirius said quietly.

"Yeah,  _better than_ " Remus called out boldly at the same time that James laughed out loud, "hey Regulus, you should be taking notes!" 

"See, Narcissa? This is what happens when people _actually_ care for you," Sirius brought his eyes up to stare down his cousin. "But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you slimy Slytherins? I'm better than this. Better than you." 

Before Remus even saw the movement, he heard the _slap_ of Narcissa's hand against Sirius' face.

"How dare you." She seethed, her cheeks now flushed with anger. And then, from nowhere, Lucius Malfoy was standing next to Narcissa. 

"You will regret you said that, blood-traitor." Malfoy's quiet serpentine voice filled the hall. The Slytherins had all gone still with a sort of breathless anticipation and Remus knew that he ought to be going for a teacher - for Dumbledore himself - right now. But his feet were rooted to the spot. Beside him, James' hand was clenched around his wand so fiercely he was afraid it might snap in half. 

Sirius' eyes were burning, as if he had finally decided to either get it over with and get himself killed - or to wrestle his life back from the overwhelming grip of _toujours pur._ James hoped it was the latter, but suspected it was the former.

"No, I really don't think I will, Malfoy." Sirius- _impossibly_ -smirked. "There isn't a slimy git in Slytherin who can break me."

The words hung as if written in the air. As one, every person in the hall sucked in a breath - their wide eyes locked on Lucius Malfoy, awaiting his response. But it was Narcissa who spoke, and it suddenly dawned on Remus that perhaps the Slytherins had been waiting on, _been planning for_ , Sirius to eventually fight back just like this.

"A challenge, then." Narcissa said venomously. "The _superior_ wizard will be able to retrieve a piece of bark from the Whomping Willow. The blood-traitor will go first."

Lucius Malfoy raised an taunting eyebrow, "Since you claimed you've done this once before, it should be a _snap_. Don't you agree?"

Remus watched horrified as Sirius' gaze flicked briefly toward him, then back to Malfoy. "Agreed."

Sirius Black- _the bloody idiot_ \- was going to deliver to the Slytherins exactly what they wanted: his beaten corpse at their feet, and their own innocence of the deed.

And it would be Remus Lupin's fault.


	9. The Whomping Willow Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius goes for a new piece of bark, because people who feel like their lives are out of control frequently act out in completely insane and unpredictable ways. Also, Sirius might possibly actually be completely insane. But his family tree is pretty much nuts, too (I mean, just look at his cousin Bella)....

"Sirius." James said, "you haven't flown in nearly a year."

Sirius grasped the broomstick and continued walking. James glanced at Remus needing back up, but Remus was walking in a horrified daze. James tried again-

"Sirius. You don't have to do this; you don't need to prove anything to us, mate - we know you're worth a thousand of those slimy gits."

Sirius continued walking, past the main doors and down the sloping grass. It looked like nearly every Slytherin and Gryffindor was there. Quite a few Ravenclaws too, but they had grim faces as if they had shown up knowing they were to be witnesses at a particularly tasteless funeral.

"Sirius-" James pleaded. And then Sirius stopped.

"I meant what I said, Jamie." Sirius said in a low voice. "The only times I've felt alive this year have been when I'm pulling pranks with you, mate." His eyes shifted to Remus and he added quietly, "I'm sorry I have to break my promise to never go near that tree again, Remus."

"Then don't." Remus heard his voice say.

Sirius looked thoughtfully at him again. But finally said, "You blokes are trying to stop me because you care about me. And I wasn't lying when I told Narcissa that makes us  _better people_... The first time I did this it was just to see if I could - now I'm going to do this because I know I can."

And James heard, unspoken, _because I can be better than what I've become._

Then like a whirlwind, Sirius was on James' borrowed broom and flying through the air. Even the Slytherins eventually fell silent as he wove between the writhing branches. The Sirius-shaped blur drew a crazy spiral in closer and closer to the trunk. And then a thousand things seemed to happen all at once. A gasp went up from the crowds of quietly watching students as Sirius twisted sideways away from a swatting branch - and nearly slammed into the trunk of the tree itself -  
As Lucius Malfoy, pale with rage, furiously took a long stride forward, uttering a clenched, " _No_." -  
And so many eyes were on Sirius that only Remus saw that Malfoy had unthinkingly stepped within reach of the Willow; and two branches were already whipping straight toward him -   
But Sirius, who had used his quick grasp on the trunk to sling-shot himself around the tree, was now streaking straight toward Malfoy, and saw the furious branches whipping for him as well - Sirius dove for Malfoy as the ends of the branches suddenly snapped forward like attacking serpents -  
Somewhere far away there was someone screaming as Remus felt his body in motion -  
Sirius shoved Malfoy back in time, shielding him from the blow- but was not going to evade the striking branches himself; only someone with enhanced senses, with the speed and strength of a wolf, could make it to Sirius in time to block the tree's murderous strike -

Remus didn't feel anything, he was simply startled by how wide Sirius' grey eyes were as they looked up at him.  
Cloth was falling around Remus' arms, it looked curiously like a ripped shirt; something wet trickled down the side of his face…  
And somewhere nearby someone adult was yelling, but all he could hear was Sirius exhale-

" _Remus_ …"

And everything went black.

Sirius Black stared horrified at the body tangled protectively over his own, as he felt hands pulling them backwards. His right hand was bloody, still clenched around a chunk of bark - and his eyes remained riveted to the place near Remus' neck that his torn shirt revealed: the jagged moon-shaped wicked silver scar.


	10. Cages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius get serious... but maybe things can start to get better now...?   
> (hahaha, good luck with that)

Remus was relieved as things seemed to return to a feeling of normal. At first, after the Willow things had been rather awkward in the Gryffindor dorms; when most people went to heartily congratulate Sirius, he would get a half-hearted expression and, more often than not, his eyes would flick nervously toward Remus. At first, Remus was worried that the experience had returned Sirius to his depressed stupor, but after a few weeks and as the spring term took off in full tilt, the buzz gradually died - and Remus was secretly pleased to find Sirius spending nearly as much time in the library studying as he did himself.

A sort of renewed partnership formed between them; although it was obvious that James and Sirius were inseparable best friends, Remus and Sirius shared space together in the library - late in the evening until Madam Pince kicked them out to lock up for the night. Even James and Peter grudgingly began to join them for lack of ever seeing their friends elsewhere. By mid-term the four had officially claimed a reading nook as their own personal territory. Not that library space was in high demand, but as James once declared, the library was the best place to plot mischief since: "(a) no one else is ever here to overhear our plans, and (b) no one suspects a bookworm!"

But this particular evening, nearing the end of term finals, James and Peter were away - James distracted by a detention and Peter busy with an extra study group for Potions. Remus bent over his textbooks busily occupied with his homework (two feet on transfiguring a teapot into a tortoise) but secretly, he was spending most of the time carefully studying Sirius. The boy next to him had returned from the Easter weekend with his family better off than he had managed over Christmas, that much was obvious. But Remus was worried - his werewolf heightened senses could see the bruises that had already faded from everyone else's view. Remus was constantly wanting to hold and comfort his friend, but he upheld the unspoken agreement between men to not act like such _girls_ around each other. 

Remus averted his gaze again, before Sirius caught him watching. What Remus didn't realize was that Sirius was at the same moment distracted by very similar thoughts.

" _Gods, all this time - I had no idea; he must feel so alone…_ " Sirius thought while leaning over his schoolbooks.

Sirius had secretly enchanted the inside of his most boring textbook to actually display the careful notes he had collected so far on lycanthropy. He was, once again, dismayed at the utter lack of unbiased information on werewolves. He would, in fact, settle for _biased_ information, as long as it was decently factual. The full moon had been the Tuesday of the Easter break, but Remus still looked haggard. He did a very good job at hiding it, but Sirius - familiar with hiding injuries - had already noticed and memorized the newest set of scars. He briefly wondered what the rest of Remus' body looked like, under his robes and clothes. Sirius couldn't help himself and shivered involuntarily at the thought - it would be wonderful if Remus would trust him like that, but it would be terrible to see the ugly scars he probably had crisscrossing his body.

Remus noticed the shiver and glanced up - a vague worry deeply set in his amber eyes, a worry he hid quickly as he nonchalantly raised an eyebrow and asked, "Cold?"

At his friend's voice, Sirius raised his head. Their eyes locked and immediately Sirius knew he had made a big mistake.

"No, I…" his voice responded automatically, but with Remus looking at him so closely - full of concern and surprisingly tender - Sirius suddenly felt like _talking_. In fact, he nearly couldn't help himself as words started awkwardly falling out of his mouth unbidden. "… I was thinking about you. Why… no, I know why… what I mean is… you could have told one of us. You could have told me." Sirius' voice felt like syrup, soft and kind but still pouring embarrassingly out of him. "I can't stand it… can't stand thinking… about how much you must suffer… And how alone you must feel."

Remus had frozen stiff - his golden eyes seemed to glow absurdly in stark contrast to his pale face. 

"You… know…" he stammered, his voice caught somewhere in his throat.

Sirius nodded quietly. His hand moved on instinct, stretching across the table, reaching out. His fingertips just barely brushed against the top of Remus' hands, lying forgotten next to his forgotten books. The boy didn't move, didn't react at all to the touch, despite looking as though every single muscle in his body was tensed. He just sat, staring at Sirius as though everything in the world was spinning madly out of control.  

"Remus." Sirius began, hesitantly, "I want to... Look, mate... I know your secret and... so... I'll tell you a secret of mine to.. to make it fair, alright?"  
  
Remus blinked at Sirius, and swallowed hard. Sirius tried to explain better, feeling foolish, "It's fair, see? You'll know my secret... and I'll know your secret. And... we'll keep our secrets _together_ , yeah?" 

Sirius rotated the arm that was stretched across the table so that his forearm and hand were laying face up. His other hand was already pushing back the sleeve of his robe and fumbling briefly, one handed, at the buttons of his shirt sleeve. Remus didn't respond except for a quiet inhalation, staring at Sirius, his horrified expression melting into something unreadable, apprehension swirled with something unknown. The last button done, the cuff of his sleeve fell open.

Sirius took a deep breath, staring honestly for the first time at his bared wrist and forearm. Remus made a noise deep in his throat, but Sirius couldn't seem to stop now. Words he swore he'd never say to anyone came rising from somewhere buried inside; he felt a bit like a spectator watching his own mouth move. All he could think about, all his mind could wrap around was the single, solid presence of Remus sitting before him like a statue.

"My whole life, my whole _great_ life with all it's _riches_ and _privileges_ \- it's really nothing but a trap. I just get so frustrated: with myself, with things I can't change, with the things I didn't choose…" Sirius blinked back moisture gathering in his eyes, fiercely telling himself not to be a great, big git and cry like a baby. "I'm not even the person in my own body; I'm buried somewhere inside this… this body… this _cage_ made for other people's reasons, for my people like  _my parents_ to push around with their expectations and their demands... And I'm buried down here... with no control over ... my own life."

Sirius ran his free hand over his forearm, over a spiderweb of scars. Somewhere deep inside, a part of Sirius was very surprised at how easily the next sentence formed in his mouth. "When I felt that way - like I don't have any control, any say in my own life - I would take a knife and cut a line on my arm. I don't.... I don't want to die. Really, I don't... I just want something that's ... mine. Something... that's not theirs... Not anyone else's. Just. Just mine." Sirius lifted his arm up a bit, leaning in toward Remus, "I've got these scars, to remember. To remind me about who I really am, deep down. Sometimes it doesn't help much, but they're there and they won't go away."

Sirius finally felt his words stop as he took in a mouthful of air. If he had known that the world wouldn't end when he spoke, perhaps he would have admitted it to someone sooner. Sirius blinked slowly at his exposed scars and he felt lighter, felt something slowly unclenching. He forced himself to raise his gaze from his arm - his eyes traveling to the other boy's hands, to Remus' shirt, to his shoulders... Sirius traced his gaze up along Remus' chin and jaw and cheekbones wet with tears... And finally they were looking at each other again. Sirius felt a sort of energy run between them when their eyes met, an invisible line of warmth infused with the golden flecks from Remus' irises running straight into Sirius' cool, blue-grey core. If his confession had left Sirius feeling lighter, emptied of his burden, Remus' eyes at that moment filled him back up again. And Sirius was certain that it was the best feeling he had ever experienced in his life. He knew that he wanted to share that feeling with Remus, to return the great gift that he had just been given with something so simple as a look.

"I won't go away either." Sirius finally said. "You… you've got your own scars, too. You know what I mean. And I… I just wanted to tell you that I want to..."

But if Sirius even knew what it was he wanted, or was going to say, he never got the chance to finish his sentence. Remus' tear-streaked face was suddenly very, very close to his own; and his body was being squeezed surprisingly tightly for someone who always seemed so lithe. It was the first real contact they'd had since Remus had saved Sirius' life at the Willow. To Sirius it felt both as natural, and as powerful, as a wave crashing against the shore. For a long, speechless moment both boys just stood like that, holding each other in a silent promise to help bear each other's scars. Or perhaps bear witness to each other's ability to become more than those scars.

And then the moment passed, and Remus was back on the other side of the table, sitting back down nervously with a flush spreading up his neck and over his cheeks. He tried to calmly fold his hands, but it ended up more like they were desperately clenched together on the table. Remus peered owlishly at Sirius for a long second, and then whispered,

"So…"

"So." Sirius agreed. "Um.."

Remus sighed softly, and his shoulders hunched in a bit, "What do you want to know?" He asked, miserably, but also with a sense of relief at the opportunity to open up and be honest with a friend.

"Oh." Sirius blinked, and then - "How…?"

"I was bit when I was just a child. We were visiting extended family, out in the country, for the hols. Nobody was watching the toddler, and he wandered out of the front garden, off toward the forest."

"The mark on your shoulder."

"Yes."

"I recognized it... Family's obsessed with Dark Arts... and, um, Dark Creatures. But I had begun to suspect earlier- last year, actually." Sirius admitted. Then another brief pause as Sirius grew thoughtful. He noticed with odd pleasure that Remus' hands and whole demeanor had actually begun to relax a bit. "Um… Does your bite…?"

"Only during the full moon… and only when I'm…" to his credit, Remus only hesitated a second as he said, "when I'm the wolf. If I'm human, nobody is in any danger, even if I did bite hard enough to break skin."

"Does, um, Headmaster Dumbledore… know?"

"Yes. He and my parents made all the arrangements before our first-year letters even went out. Every full moon, I'm allowed to miss classes if I'm not feeling well." At that comment, Sirius looked scandalously envious, but Remus ignored it and continued in a detached tone of voice, "And in the evening, I meet Madam Pomfrey. She takes me to a safe place to, uh, spend the night. And collects me in the morning if I'm… unable to return on my own." At the last part of the hollow explanation, Remus' voice shook a little, and got almost too soft for Sirius to hear. Remus shuddered a bit, his eyes looking away; but Sirius firmly reached out and clasped his hands over Remus' interlaced fingers.

"Hey, mate." Sirius said softly. Remus looked gratefully at his friend and tried to smile. "Dumbledore said that he trusted me; that he understood, and that I deserved a chance to… be…"

"Well, Dumbledore is bloody brilliant then. Because he's right." Sirius interrupted firmly. There was another pause, this one longer and much more comfortable than any of the others before. And then, into the silence, Sirius whispered, "What does it feel like?"

Remus got very still. Even his chest seemed to stop rising and falling. There was something hollow, perhaps even frightened, in his voice when he finally answered, "Just like you said… at first. Like I'm... not the person in my own body... I fall down inside myself as... as the bones are breaking and shifting while I … transform … And then there's nothing; I'm not conscious, not even caged, when the wolf is fully in control. I'm just… not there...

But _the wolf_ is always in me - even now- I can feel him, like he's pacing in a cage."

Sirius nodded with empathy. Remus shuddered a bit, mentally shying away from such introspection; his focus returned to his hands clasped on the table - and Sirius' hands protectively covering them. _So strong and so caring - first he discovers the truth, and then he offered his own pain up in order to meet me in mine... I never thought I could meet someone like this, such a true friend,_ Remus thought gratefully, a warmth blossoming in his heart and quickly filling every part of him. It was like a thousand chocolate frogs. Or a never-ending cup of hot chocolate, the rich sort made with steamed cream and real chocolate... Remus suddenly felt tender all over, as if his whole body could simply curl up around this warm, happy feeling and spend the rest of forever nestled in that spot. And then his intellect caught up with him, and Sirius watched as Remus' expression tipped sideways in a shrewd smirk.

"What?" Sirius demanded, leaning in closer.

"I was just thinking," Remus answered wryly, "how ironic it is that I could be so happy after one of my friends uncovers my deep, awful secret leading to hours discussing the most painful parts of our lives."

"It hasn't been that long." Sirius tried to retort, but Remus carefully removed one of his hands and pointed to where Madam Pince was already checking the other side of the library to kick out students and lock up for the night. "Oh."

Remus' hand dropped slowly toward the table again, and then deliberately returned to the spot where their other hands were still entwined. Both boys froze in the sudden awareness of each inch of skin touching skin and a new sort of silence settled around them. Madam Pince bustled closer… and closer. Sirius felt something tickling in the back of his throat. His attention remained riveted by the fascinating feeling of Remus' hands tangled with his own. He thought distractedly that maybe he ought to say something.

"Sirius…" Remus beat him to it. Sirius' head acknowledged the word, but his eyes remained lowered, and Remus's voice continued in a new, awkward sort of tone -

"Don't say anything."

Sirius tried to nod, to swallow, to agree. But at the moment, he wasn't really sure what he was agreeing to. Then Madam Pince moved around a nearby bookshelf and a book was accidentally knocked to the ground. The jostling noise was enough - without even thinking about it, both boys jumped a bit, opening their hands and withdrawing to either side of the table. Their eyes met again, and Remus smiled briefly,

"We'd better head back to the Tower." He said, smoothly gathering his unfinished homework into his satchel.

As they left the library, Sirius vaguely wondered if this would be the first -or even the only - time in his life that Remus J. Lupin would go to class in the morning without his homework completed.


End file.
